Just Ain't Right In The Head...

Sometimes I know it's the translator program.  Other times, I can just tell some people just ain't right - in the head, with God, with their fellow humans, they just don't belong here like the rest of us do.  In my spam-box today...

Hello, DOMINI. Would you select any man or female to try one aspect one of a shape for you? Show your idolized ones that you truely care involving them with the beneficial really useful beneficial aid of the utilization of the utilization of the use of gifting them a personalized adorn to be aware of T-Shirt.

If the title at some problem of this e mail is inaccurate, you can in addition in addition in addition moreover barring a doubt alternate it on the internet site. Please hurry up! As a shut through the use of of our cutting-edge supply, order one hundred share off all T-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies and one-of-a-kind garb now! start giving affords at modern day and put at the equal time an giant shock for everyone

Now, look - I'm slightly fluent in English.  I've managed to master a few other languages.  BASIC, Pascal, DCL, Batch.  I've worked with a few others.  But let's take this one from the top.  

Hello Domini?  Uh, folks, you got a healthy portion of my last name, but not my first.  Then again, the return address does tell me a little bit.  This message came from "Muneeb Bowman" - pretty sure you don't want to email nguyenthilen990@gmail.com though, because this ... individual is, as the kewl kidz today say, "whack".  Or maybe that's changed to "Woke".  I dunno.  I spend a special amount of time each day ignoring current slang.  That would be pretty much any moment I'm not prone and asleep.  

But it appears I should volunteer someone to try ... "one aspect one"?  Good gravy, dipstick, pick one one, OK?  And "truly" is spelled "truly".  Most of my idolized ones have been reduced in size, ceramicized, that is, they're statues.  Really truly doubt they'll be in need of some cheap-ass Tee Shirts.  

Ah, but then we delve into the wider weird world where the misuse of multi-syllabic vocabulary makes one sound ... well, I hesitate to trump a series of misused multi-syllable words with a multi-syllable word, but "like a NINCOMPOOP" pretty much sums it up.  So let's use "use" instead of "utilization of the utilization" OK?  Oh, who am I kidding.  That's not gonna make you sound like the lesser idiot.  You've gone past full nincompoop, headed well down the road to the dreaded ninnyammer, that is, the grand poobah of blithering idiotville.  

Then the true legitimate trifecta arrives.  We skired really close with the useful utilization of utilization, but whoopdeedoo, would you look at that with an addition trifecta right there!  Combined with the following sentence which sends you, with much less class than Thelma and Louise, indeed, over the cliff, as you "shut through the use of our cutting-edge supply."  Whoa, hey, yammerhead, if you shut a cutting edge supply, you must be out!

And there it is, I knew it, sooner or later we'd just flat out run out of syllables.  So close to the end of the message, and then we miss the opportunity to use "fashionable athletic wear" or "quality fashions" - nope.  We're dropping garb.  I'm making the assumption you're not oopsing out on Grab some Garb, because, you know, Gump and Garp are gonna come back and beat brains into you.  Every single cell Cliff Claven ever lost will be reinserted into you.  On the edge of a very sharp baseball bat, turned sideways.  Amiright?  

Start giving affords?  Excuse me?  I have yet to encounter an afford.  In the flesh, I mean.  But if you wish to "put at the equal time an giant shock" I'm all in favor of you doing that for your beneficial idols.  I mean, though, don't put both of the wires in your mouth after you plug them into the wall.  Not until you're in the bathtub - the full bathtub.  Because then we're assured you shall best demonstrate that giant shock.  Oh, and just a pro tip - don't stock up on pork chops before you do it.