Teaching Empathy

I haven't seen all of the election returns yet - I'm the old fashioned sort who would much rather get up in the morning and see the results.  The constant yammering back and forth and guesses - I know the experts prefer the term "projections" but look, I got a great big projection just above my belt which is about as useful as theirs is when it comes to guessing who's gonna win.  I can guess, and I'll probably be about as right.  The biggest difference is that I cost a heck of a lot less, hold a whole lot less authority, and waste a lot less time.  I don't have to fill six or so hours of television with my "well, with the latest returns in, Fred is ahead of Ginger, but the margin is too close to call."  That's what we used to call "they'll announce the results in the morning."

The main issues I see in the world these days are really all tracing back to empathy.  And how we've somehow lost the ability to teach that.  Given that I'm a portion of the last of a now-dying generation that spent their childhoods in a home, with a mom, who made sure I understood my actions had consequences.  Before you break loose and howl at me for blaming working mothers for this problem, nope.  I actually spent more time at home with my kids as they were growing up than my wife did.  I don't state that because I'm bragging.  I say it as a simple fact because I chose a career in a field which everyone was certain it would be a good, long-term career.  Yet I chose to maximize my value by trying to cover the bases and be "the guy".  The IT world went to specialization, so much so that these days I can see all of the cracks where people, tasks, and needs fall through because there's no one low on the totem pole to see the bigger picture and how it affects the whole - in the microcosm.

But let's start with the main issue.  I see so many people these days who seem to be rabidly upset by the fact that a child might get food from a government program because they haven't got enough money in the house to pay for it.  Somewhere we got off the "it's a privilege to be in a position to help" and converted that to "put the lazy bastards back to work, or make 'em starve."  

Societies aren't judged by how the best of them get by, they're judged by how they treat those who need help.  Yes, I know, some folks end up taking advantage of that.  I get it.  But we also need to point that finger back at us and acknowledge that it wasn't a particularly smart move to set up a system which encouraged the parents to separate to receive increased aid.  Perhaps we should have set up a system where the aid was calculated based on the number of people in the family, and each person in the family received a check - rather than a check for the family.  But wait, you howl, babies shouldn't have bank accounts!

Ah, but what if they did?  What if they started life with a bank account, managed by a professional group that is constantly and regularly audited, the account is where the benefits go for that child.  When the mother goes to the grocery store, she doesn't have to go buy a box of this and a box of that - how about she picks up a box of food for a three year old, with that child's favorites included, and the child's account - not the mother's - is reduced by the set fee for the box?  Sure, there's a whole lot more work involved there, but hey, maybe we could put some folks to work getting that stuff done?

Sure, it's a pie in the sky idea, but we need some outside the box thinking.  There are far too many people who are so deep inside their boxes they've stopped thinking about boxes, they're thinking about foxholes, about bunkering in, and about how they can beat the other side.  Which is where the entire problem lies.

Them that treat others with contempt will, eventually, face the consequences of that treatment.  I for one hope that I'm not around when they get their judgement, because I'm a rather soft-hearted individual.  If Steve Bannon, Mike Lindell, and The Orange Jesus got what they were due to receive, well, I dunno, but I'll go out on the thin branches and say I know I've done wrong at times, and I've done what I can do so far to make up for it.  I did not get to where I am today by stomping on everyone around me - I know it.  There have been desperate times in my life, and I know who was there to help.  And I remain deeply indebted to them in many ways.  Some I can pay back.  Some I never will.  Some I hope I'll never have to, because I wouldn't wish upon anyone the path I've taken.  It's made abundantly clear to me that none of us survives alone.  Never mind the "no man is an island" and "it takes a village" crap.  Doesn't matter what you think.  The bottom line is that, unless you live in a cave with a farm around you that you work and it feeds you everything you need every day, you rely on others.  And if you do live in a cave, you're eventually going to get older, get sick, and you're going to need help.

Which is where we get back to empathy.  My children learned it time and again as they cared for their pets, and we were as open as we could be with them when difficult things happened.  We tried to keep them from being scarred by the experience as best we could, and I know in some cases I failed miserably.  That's on me.  But that's also where my children have learned that life is a series of choices.  I could have curled up in a ball and let them and their mother do whatever they could - or I could have run off.  But that's not who I am.  I've been a problem solver for a long time now, and I can't stop.  I also can't run away from my family.  

I am also intelligent enough to know that I have had some advantages over the years that many have not.  I am a white male.  I walk into a room, people make certain assumptions about me.  I am intelligent enough to know that there are people who see someone who might not be like they are and they fear that person.  Look, I don't get that, I never will.  I'm an introvert by nature, but I'm not going to assume the fellow walking towards me in overalls, or a three-piece suit, is going to be a danger to me.  I'm aware both could pose a danger, but I don't pre-judge the encounter we're about to have.  Maybe it's because I have this particular twist to me, but I do believe, deep down, that every other person out there has a lot of things similar to me.  They want to get through their days without being harmed, being embarrassed, or being mistreated.  I don't react to a person based on their skin or hair.  I do react to a person a bit based on their gender - not because I'm a pig, but because I was raised to be a gentleman.  I'll hold the door for someone else.  I'll hold it if it's a lady with a baby, or a man with a baby, or a lady, or a man, or whatever.  I'll make their day a little better because I can.  It's something I've been given.  It's a gift I got this morning when I got out of bed.  A whole new day.  Sure, there may be crap that falls into it.  But it's not my job to unload that crap on someone else, it's not my place to ruin your day because I'm here.  I'm here to get through the day as best I can, and somewhere along the line it became important to me to try to make sure that those around me have a good day as well.

Because, you see, I believe that, in the grand scheme of things, if I make your day a little brighter, maybe you'll go out and make someone else's day a little better.  And so on, and so forth.  Which is where I made a number of changes over the years to make my life a little better.

I got out of the social media cesspit that is Twitter.  I didn't need to be a part of a giant snarkfest where people could dump on one another.  I'm rather a lurker on Facebook.  Why?  Well, I don't need to live my life based on likes and reactions.  95% of the people I'm friends with on Facebook are people whom I've met.  Physically.  Or they are people whom my wife knows, and vouched for.  Or they are people whom I admire.  And I'll give you a few examples of that.

One of the folks whom I highly admire is Wil Wheaton.  Yes, the Star Trek Next Generation actor.  Who was also in Stand By Me.  And a heck of a lot of other stuff.  And isn't a cartoon character, he's a good, decent person.  And he's had the sort of life which I look on when he opens some of the dark hallways of his past and I want to step in, put my arm around his shoulder, and remind him that there are more good people than bad out there.  Unfortunately for him, the bad people started in his family.  And I can't fix that.  I can use the lessons from Mr. Wheaton's experience as a child - not a child actor, child celebrity, or anything other than a child.  I can use the experience he relates to remind me to keep a civil, soft tongue in my head, remember that everyone out there's got a whole host of issues and scars that are none of my business how they got there, but I can be a good and decent human being and treat them like I'd wish to be treated, kindly, decently, respectfully, and be thankful that these people are around.  I have many moments in my memories where I can smile about them.  

In Mr. Wheaton's example, it was pretty quick.  I enjoyed Stand By Me - I'm a pretty big Richard Dreyfus fan, but Mr. Wheaton brought a lot of experiences from my youth back.  I've had leeches on me.  Not there, and I hope to high heaven that his reaction was all acting, and not at all the real thing, because I'm as squeamish as hell about them.  But when he showed up on Star Trek The Next Generation, I was happy that one of my favorite childhood shows was there to grow up a little more with me.  And his character was there to provide the viewers - that's you and me - an opportunity for other characters to provide exposition.  

What?  You were one of the more "down on Wesley" crowd?  I'm sure that was fun for you.  Rather than watch this young man work with some pretty excellent actors, you got to yell at your TV.  You didn't get to experience the vicarious thrill of growing up on a space ship.  Yes, it's a fantasy.  Some day we might get there.  Some day there's gonna be a whole lot of kids on ships, I hope.  I hope they become adults on other planets, teachers and parents in far distant solar systems, grandparents and memories on multiple planets.  Wouldn't that be cool?  Sure would beat all to hell the absolute terror of all of us packed onto one small marble, at the absolute mercy of the occasional pebble which might take a little jog and fall through the sky and split our skulls.

But why do I enjoy following Mr. Wheaton on Facebook?  Because like me he's a father whose children have moved out.  Well, I'd like to be like he is, the last one is still dragging his feet, but soon, that might change.  And Mr. Wheaton is continuing on a path as a growing, changing, evolving adult, loves his wife and his pets and his job, and he's just a dog-gone good guy.  One who doesn't need my approval or permission to do anything, I only hope that as he continues to grow older, he continues to share some of his experience with us so we can learn, too.  I'm not anything special to him, he's just another person whom I admire.  He has some real talent and ability to move my emotions and make me react, and he's just a good, decent guy whom I admire.  

There are authors and others whom I also follow on Facebook.  I probably should leave more mystery to my own back story, or at least consider it if I ever really wanted to be a published author.  But let's face it.  I have plenty of ideas, I just need to put them in practice.  And practicing empathy is one of the things I choose to do as a human being.  It doesn't make me better than someone else.  It does make the world around me a little brighter.  I don't do it for that, though.  I do it because I know there's enough darkness and bad news out there, I don't need to be a part of it, I don't need to add to it.  I just need to move on, look up, and do my best.

When there are more folks doing that than the folks who want to destroy the "other" they've identified, we'll get somewhere.  Until then, all I can do is all I can do.  So I'm going to keep it up.